shiri

‘I don’t think I liked that very much’ said Natalia after Adam had made her awkwardly walk on all fours across his apartment, gone down on her from behind without her permission and then finished up all over her chest. You don’t say. At least he missed the dress.

Few things are as heavily politicised as sex and sexual predilection. Within that, we have areas that are constantly up for debate and none more so than this; Where does a guy finish? This survey was published on a Cosmo forum page a few years back;

Where do you like your guy to cum?
1.In Vagina 
2.On Vagina
3.In Ass
4.On Ass
5.In Mouth
6.On Face
7.On Tits
8.On Stomach
9.On Back
10.On Feet 

Oooh so many tempting options there. There is something demeaning about this whole finishing up conundrum. Something overtly masculine, territorial. Like cats spraying the furniture to mark it as theirs, a guy jizzing on your face or decorating your tits with his cum invokes the same comparison. ‘Facials are degrading — and that’s why they’re so hot,’ argued Dan Savage, an American sex columnist.  Could we link it to misogyny, this eternal quest for dominance and control over our bodies? By soiling us, dirtying us, men are rendering us as out of bounds to anyone else. Marking us as ‘used.’ Perhaps this is an area where us girls have got it easy; our orgasms are relatively fuss free in terms of clean up operations. 

Porn can be credited with bringing the facial – and cum on the ass, boobs, back, stomach… – to the masses. We can argue that it’s a way of signalling the end of the ‘experience’ – with so many positions to cram in, it could be hard to measure success; nothing says ‘I’m done!’ quite like a woman scraping sperm out of her eye socket. A cum shot is a ‘clean’ (ironic) way of suggesting closure. Some argue that a guy finishing up on a girls face is positive. It’s a way of involving both parties in the end scene; this way we get to see the fruits of his labour (the ejaculation) plus her reaction to it (often surprised and on an awkwardly contorted face.) The cum shot is proof of pleasure, for one person at least. Girls can fake it, but the shot of a woman with semen dripping off her ass is proof of purchase. 

cA woman, on her knees, mouth open, subservient, is quite the heady image I’d imagine. In the ultimate position of submission, the guy knows she is willing. Could we suggest that, far from being degrading, the sum shot is actually redeeming? Is it empowering, taking this typically submissive role on and making it work for you? A way of validating the guy and his choices? I read a really interesting article on this concept via Jezebel. Instead of being a politicised question, the act was seen as a way of reassuring the guy’s need for validation. ‘So you’re saying that when a man comes on a woman’s face, it’s not about making her dirty — it’s about making him feel clean?’  A way of the woman accepting his body, his desires and making room for them. On her tits. 

c1Thing is, you just can’t escape from the fact that a guy finishing anywhere on you is messy. It’s not a massively pleasant experience is it; no one enjoys that feeling of having to towel themselves off before slipping back into their clothes lest they end up with dry semen caked around their nipples. When talking to my friends, opinion was mixed. A few liked it ( ‘do I like it because I should though? God I’m so confused.’) Some said the semen was a great skin care solution, and like any busy gal on the go she loves killing two birds with one stone; a guy cumming on the chest gets her brownie points and soft skin. Lush. Others are very anti finishing anywhere other than the vagina. ‘Spraying his shit on me is a way of saying I’m not worth anything, he’s literally saying ‘here take this bitch’ and I am not ok with that.’ One babe argued that as long as it is consensual, surely anything goes in the bedroom? Maybe some people want to be dominated, just like others want to dominate? Some guys like to see the girl literally all dressed up in love; it’s possessive, erotic. One of my friends said it makes her feel like a goddess because ‘no girl let him cum on her ass before.’ At least this way, you can’t get pregnant. Maybe that’s the crux of it? Driven by the post modern notion of fluid identities, fleeting relationships, one night stands and anything goes, a guy finishing anywhere other than the vagina is a way of reducing the risk of ending up with child.

Is it anti feminist? If we argue that feminism is allowing women the right to choose in any circumstance; allowing women the right to do as they please free from judgement and condescension than no. If you are enjoying your bedroom antics, then who cares? If you want your guy to cum on your face then go ahead. If you want him to finish up in a condom, have a shower before getting back into bed and then lying with a towel separating the both of you, then fine. Sex is not anti feminist. If something makes you feel degraded or unhappy though, different story..

I can’t shake the idea that it’s animalistic somehow; it’s raw and pornified and messy. It brings about questions of respect, self worth and feeling valued. I’m not saying that I’m anti, just curious as to the motives behind it. If a guy got off on the idea of me wide eyed, open mouthed and gagging for it then sure – but if it was more about him wanting to control, own and mark me then no. Because;

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philosophy-degree

I have this ‘friend’, who, one night at university ended up in bed with a long haired Philosophy student who, despite his best efforts just couldn’t finish. He tried, and tried (and tried) – maybe it was the four £2 quad vods he had sunk – but no luck. My ‘friend’ tried all the tricks in her repertoire but nothing. Eventually, sore and facing facts she suggested stopping – it doesn’t matter if he cums right? Wrong. He just couldn’t get his head around the idea that sex could occur without a pay-off. At the time that idea was radical to me – my friends and I were caught up in a cycle of bad sex because we didn’t know what we wanted or how to ask for it in bed. We believed that any sex was great by default of it a) happening. Raised on a Cosmo diet of blow job tips and ‘positions to please your man,’ our pleasure seemed irrelevant so ending sex without a moan moment didn’t seem to be the end of the world. That concept was not the same for men. For them, sex should always = orgasm.

orgs

Fast forward a few years and my attitudes towards sex have changed massively. My body is a party – if you’re invited, you better bring a gift to say thanks. Knowing myself, and what I want means that I expect to orgasm through sex. The idea that sex should be mutually beneficial still blows some people’s minds though. I think that a lot of women are still hesitant to ask for what they want; perhaps they don’t want to seem ‘ungrateful’ or ‘slutty’ by implying that they want something different to what’s on offer. The worry that you’ll make the man feel inadequate by suggesting that his lack lustre licking is not getting you there or that it takes more than a few neck bites to warm you up. We treat sexually liberated women so badly; it’s a result of the patriarchal shackles we are bound by. Women knowing what they want is scary; it incites fear that they might not be satisfied with vanilla and might head out to track down a good time. Keeping them feeling ‘dirty’ or deviant for expecting good sex is a good way of keeping them passive and hesitant in the bedroom. Good girls don’t want to be f*cked hard, right?

org

In porn, women orgasm ALL THE TIME. Not just that but they squirt. Sex is so awesome that they turn into gushing waterfalls, unable to hold in their enjoyment for a second longer. When researching for this post I spoke to some men and women about the female fizz phenomenon. The conversations went a bit like this; men ‘well, I’m about 13 inches soft and make my girl squirt so often that she basically just wears a nappy full time now’ and women ‘I’ve heard of it but it’s never happened to me. I think my friend’s work colleague had a mate who it happened to once though..’ A few women had experienced it; one as a result of some hot hate sex – it was unexpected which backs up the idea that it doesn’t happen on command. Another had it during a session with a girl but said that it wasn’t actually a pleasant experience, more a result of over stimulation.

squirt

The female squirt seems to be heavily linked to male ego in the media; a sign of sexual prowess and skill. A new way of creating competition in the bedroom; it’s not enough to know how to make a woman orgasm – now you need to know how to make her gush as well to score man points. If you don’t end up with juice in the eye, you’re doing it wrong, clearly. I worry that this ability to squirt is just another way of creating failings in women. The fact that it is so highly contested, it’s existence debated, suggests that it is not happening up and down the country on a daily basis and yet we have it occurring in porn with increasing regularity. If you can’t do it, are you a freak? Are you a freak if you can? Will men be scratching their heads, puzzled when their best moves don’t elicit a squirt? Is it just another thing on the checklist of bed buddy expectations, alongside a big butt, shaved vagina and yoga-tastic move play? One more thing for us to be worrying about in bed rather than being able to switch off and go with it.

shes

Thing is, the actual act is considered pretty rare. Pornified as it is, we would expect women to be gushing all over the place at the drop of a hat. A nipple tweak here, a clit rub there and job done! Niagara Falls! It’s the new thing; porn sites have whole sections dedicated to the female squirt and one search on Youtube brings up thousands of videos teaching you how to make it happen. Forget threesomes – this year’s best seller is all about the gush.

There are some sex experts who believe that the female squirt is bullshit; just women wetting themselves. Finding themselves soaked in piss, women tell themselves they’ve reached new highs to cover up the fact that they just peed on their partner. I think this is a terrible explanation; studies have found the composition of the liquid to be similar to semen minus the sperm and there are enough reliable accounts to tell us that it is happening; just not as often as redtube might suggest. Others use science to prove the existence of this mythical magic; we have a gland that secretes this fluid and when stimulated can, can, CAN result in the gush. Forums are awash with guys asking how to make it happen (real men wear Jordans, eat at Five Guys and make their girls gush OBV) and girls asking if what they’ve experienced is the real deal; it seems that we need reassurance that what’s happening to our bodies is normal and ok. Despite porn showing women projectile squirting men across the room, we’re not sure what to actually expect when it happens to us. How much fluid should there be? (a teaspoon to two cups seems average) How long should the feeling last? (seconds to days by all accounts)  How come it doesn’t happen every time? (not every woman can do it, not everyone woman who can, does it every time) How come it has never happened? Basically, it’s anything goes. There is no set way of getting a girl to gush, no set way for the experience to go down or last. My advice would be that if it feels good, do more of it. If you don’t like something, don’t be afraid to give some pointers. Anything that turns sex into a competition stops it being fun; if we are caught up trying to squirt, we might not be able to relax enough to cum and then we are right back at the beginning again. Can’t call that progress.

time

 

 

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mas2

Alanis Morissette once sang  ‘my brothers never went blind for what they did, but I may as well have’ which pretty much sums up some attitudes towards female masturbation. Men are sexual, it’s alright for them to spend hours locked away with little more than a box of kleenex and a bottle of lube to keep them company, but us? No ma’am. It’s hard to understand these views living in a society where Miley Cyris exists but still, for some female masturbation is as taboo as you can get. Movies like American Pie and Don Jon imply that male masturbation is as normal and healthy – something that men do to pass the time, to explore themselves, to get off, but us girls don’t get that courtesy. Instead, ‘one on one’ time for us is seen as something deviant, something that women who ‘can’t get a man’ have to resort to. Or worse, as an act to impress the boys. It’s bullshit.

miley

Nancy Friday could argue that early man wanted to see women as the face of his salvation, as close to heaven. As a result of this, women needed to be pure, chaste and devoid of sexuality. It wasn’t the done thing for women to be sexually open minded or to expect pleasure or enjoyment from sex which might go some way to explain why female fun time was kept invisible. These ideas still knock about. Come on, a woman handling her own business is scary business; in a patriarchal society where the sexual needs of women have been trivialised and rendered almost obsolete, a woman pleasuring herself is scary stuff. Not needing a man to get her there must be terrifying for the men in charge.

Jenni Murray recently interviewed Tracey Emin for BBC 4′s Women’s Hour about the sexual nature of her work and when Emin asked Murray, “What, are you telling me you never masturbate?” Jenni’s response was an outraged, “Don’t even ask! How dare you?” Despite babes like Anna Kendricks saying she pictures Gosling when going south and Miley singing ‘adore you’ to herself, we still have these outdated vibes killing our buzz. We still have these massive barriers to overcome in terms of getting female masturbation struck from the ‘bad girls do’ list [ see also; tattoos, nipple piercings, kissing girls and liking it and eating burgers without a side of self loathing]

mas

Is it to do with accessibility? Men have it all right in front of them, literal joy sticks begging to be played with whereas we have our goods neatly tucked away, safe and sound. In addition, we have the constructed/reinforced notions that women need an emotional connection to get it done, whereas men can get away with a more wham, bam thank you ma’am, just here for the pay off kind of attitude. It is expected that they actively seek out pleasure whereas us good girls should be just sitting at home, waiting to be married off into a lifetime of lying back and thinking of England.

ciara

When female masturbation is talked about or shown in the media, it’s usually depicted as little more than male titillation. Done to impress men, clits rubbed raw, loud exaggerated moans. Girls in music videos grinding against poles, red lips parted in ecstasy. Backs arched, breasts out – it’s very much from the male gaze and done to excite and tease, for the pleasure of the men watching rather than women playing. There seems to be little ‘real’ about it. Unless I’m doing it wrong.

sam

Is it to do with the way in which men and women orgasm? The female O is seen as elusive as the holy grail, with great swathes of material dedicated to helping hapless men get their bed buddies to toe tingling heaven, tips and tricks to make your girl orgasm articles in men’s mags implying that it’s a challenge. (I think that a lot of the reasons behind the female O no show can be attributed to societal expectations that as women, we don’t ‘need’ to enjoy sex, we don’t ‘need’ to orgasm necessarily for sex to serve it’s purpose and so patriarchy and male privilege have combined to downplay the importance – perhaps in order to ensure they get their ends away with little fuss or effort?) There is this idea that to make a woman orgasm is somehow harder than scaling Everest. Now, I know that for some people it’s bloody hard getting there BUT I really do think that a lot of it is to do with our reluctance to speak up and say ‘left a bit’ or ‘that’s just not doing it for me, try this.’ We feel that we should be grateful for any guy being prepared to spend some time down-town  so don’t want to rock the boat by appearing churlish.

I think that knowing what turns your body inside out can only make sex a deux better – you will feel more confident and in tune with what you want. It’s not greedy to want sex to offer a pay off – it’s time invested. If you are willing to get full frontal with someone, why should you worry about letting them know what it takes to get you moaning? And if you need some inspiration, think of Ricki Hall…

hall

 

 

 

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