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Him; Last night the lovely Em and I both read this dreadful piece of body-shaming, sex-hating clickbait from Metro blogger Hannah Gale, and came to the same basic conclusion: WTF?? It’s one thing to offer reassurance that ‘hey, just because most people like x, that doesn’t mean you have to as well, and while we’re at it, don’t let anyone make you feel bad or pressure you into doing things you don’t enjoy’. That would be fine, and actually for those of us who hang out at the kinkier end of the spectrum, it could’ve served as a useful reminder that not everyone sings from the same filthy, uninhibited hymn sheet.

But no, instead of something nuanced and thought-provoking, Ms Dale chose to churn out 500 words of joyless, ignorant, po-faced drivel. It’s both prudish and desperately unfunny, but the author’s worst crime is to introduce her list by claiming that in writing it, she’s being ‘honest about sex’. Perhaps she genuinely does hate all 21 of those things (in which case I pity any man or woman who winds up in bed with her), but even if that’s the case, this list is no more honest about sex than the romcoms to which she purports to be responding.

Both of us enjoy provocative articles that challenge our views on interesting subjects. Both of us hate dreary, immature nonsense that makes us do this face:

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Instead of just banging on about how crap the Metro’s list is for another 250 words (and believe me, we could), Em and I thought we’d take it point-by-point and explain why, actually, there’s awesomeness to be had with each and every one of them. If you think we’ve missed anything, or if you want to add any general thoughts on the list, please comment on one of our blogs, or hit us up via Twitter.

 

1. The smell. That smell. You know the one. The indescribable combination of semen, lady juice and sweat. Nice.

HER: Oh, you mean that heady smell of satisfaction and pleasure? Call me crazy but I love the smell of sex; it’s musky and makes me want to lie, cat-like, purring in messy sheets. Ok, so it might not be a Yankee candle scent any time soon but to have such an aversion to it seems a bit worrying – it’s you, after you. Your scent, your body.

2. Removing socks. Hey, let me just try and hop around naked while I pull a sock printed with dinosaurs off my foot. Especially unsexy when your partner is trying to continue the foreplay by latching onto your nipple while you wrestle with your ankle

HIM: Ok, let’s ignore all those occasions when your socks don’t need to come off during sex… You don’t want to mix sock removal and foreplay? Fine: why not make taking off your socks – or your partner’s socks – part of the foreplay? Tie them up and slowly roll each sock down over their ankles, as if you’re rolling a condom down onto a hard cock. Make it part of a striptease. Or just, y’know, relax and accept that just because something is physically awkward (or clumsy, or funny) that doesn’t make it ‘unsexy’. That only happens if you’re too uptight to be able to enjoy life’s little absurdities.

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3. Fanny farts.

HER: This one really pisses me off; sex isn’t cookie cutter, rom-com toned, tanned limbs effortlessly working their way through the Karma Sutra without so much as breaking a sweat or an awkward ‘watch out, where are you putting that?’ A ‘fanny fart’ is just a build up of air in the vagina – it’s normal and if you like positions like doggy or legs on the shoulder, you’ve probably experienced one. To me, this ‘unsexy’ point is rooted in the fear we are taught to have of our own bodies; we need to be ‘perfect’ at all times and as female sexuality is so fraught with societal judgement and policing, anything that deviates from the Disney princess sex we think we should be having, is immediately ‘embarrassing’ and makes us want to curl up and die. Fuck that. Your body will make noises. It’s alright. You don’t need to be banished to a dungeon to live a life of celibacy just because your lady garden made a little noise after a vigorous session; any guy/gal worth their salt won’t give a fuck. If they do, kick them out of bed and think of it as a lucky escape.

4. Or even worse, those real farts that slip out when you least suspect it.

HIM: So much of what’s wrong with this list stems from the way the author seems to equate ‘good sex’ with a sort of soft-focus sterility. It’s not hard to imagine her tapping out each point with pursed lips and a disapproving frown, inwardly shuddering at the thought of All. That. Mess. For most of us, farts themselves are not inherently sexy. However, at worst they can be politely ignored, and at best, with a partner who is comfortable with his or her body, they offer the perfect opportunity for some light-hearted teasing, or a few stolen, mock-comforting kisses, or even just the simple pleasure of shared laughter.

5. Getting sex cramp in your leg. Feeling like someone may have slipped a dagger into your thigh and not knowing the best way to respond.

HER: Yeah, okay. Cramp does suck but what is frustrating about this bloody point is the bit where she says ‘not knowing the best way respond.’ How about saying, ‘I have cramp.’ Too simple? Do we need some kind of Morse code we can tap out on each other as talking or engaging in conversation is clearly too much to ask? One tap for cramp, two for carry on, that’s good? My view is that if you are getting horizontal with someone, you must like them at least a moderate amount. You’ve probably even spoken to them on a few occasions so piping up and saying ‘cramp’ isn’t that hard. You’re not admitting to killing puppies in your spare time or asking them to donate a kidney so what’s the big deal?

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6. Getting semen in your eye. Or in your hair. Or anywhere that isn’t your private parts. How long are you supposed to wait until you start the thorough clean-up process?

HIM: When I was a teenager, my top bunk was high enough that I could lie on my back, plant my feet on the ceiling, walk them up towards my head, and jizz all over my own face. I’d love to say that I did it in an attempt to better understand the female experience, but really I just liked the taste of cum, and enjoyed feeling it shoot out onto my mouth, cheeks and chin. Maybe it’s not much fun if you happen to get an eye-ful, but everywhere else, it’s all kinds of hotness; if you instinctively think of cum as ‘gross’ or ‘nasty’, or rush to get it off your skin the second the sex is over, you might want to re-examine some key elements of your attitude to the human body.

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7. Also, swallowing semen and trying to pretend that it tastes like a peanut butter milkshake rather than, well, a slimy, salty bogey.

HER: You know you don’t have to swallow it, right? There isn’t a law or anything babe. Sure, it’s not a taste sensation or anything you’d rush to put on a dinner party menu but it’s not awful. Female come tastes much nicer than semen; it’s sweeter, I think but anyway; you don’t have to swallow, and if you do, you don’t have to PRETEND anything. You don’t OWE anything.

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8. Your underwear. Because however much you try and plan it, you’ll always get laid when you’re wearing the greying pants with a hole in the back. You should really throw those bad boys out.

HIM: Maybe you should. Maybe you shouldn’t. I’m probably the wrong person to ask about underwear. I do know that if a partner is put off by the colour of your underwear, they probably shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near it. If you’re comfortable standing in front of me wearing grey, faded underwear, that probably means you’re confident enough in your own skin to be a lot of fun in bed, and that’s very sexy. Also, surely a use can be found for that hole in the back…

9. The awkward ‘oh… you’re bleeding’. It’s never actual blood though, just that brown-coloured discharge *shudders*.

HER: I haven;t actually experienced this and it sounds a bit worrying tbh, but again: it’s your body, your business. As long as you AREN’T bleeding or in pain, fuck it.

10. The crab shuffle off the bed, and the race against time to make it to the toilet without leaving a stream of semen in your wake.

HIM: This just feels like someone trying to invent a problem. I get that you probably don’t want it all over the carpet, but jeez, maybe keep some tissues by the bed? You can store them next to your penis beaker. Or, if your partner’s anything like me, get him to scoot down between your legs and lick/suck it all out of you: believe me, that generally leads to more good things happening.

11. But failing, and having a nice trickle of the white stuff down your leg..

HER: You could use a condom, just an idea. If not, keep some tissues by the bed? Baby wipes? Also, it does wipe off and it isn’t radioactive so you’ll be fine for the few seconds you have icky semen on you. There is so much body loathing going on in this article; sex isn’t sterile.

12. Trying to talk dirty. What words are you supposed to use? ‘I want you to stick your willy in my pussy’ *is sick all over self*

HIM: Pro tip: avoiding ‘willy’ would be a good start. Without wanting to sound like a stuck record, dirty talk works when you’re relaxed about sex, and when you see it as something joyful and uplifting. We all have particular words, phrases and images that don’t do it for us, so dirty talk with a new partner can be a bit hit-and-miss, but it’s not hard to iron out those initial creases, and turn it into something that has one or both of you clawing at the walls with lust. And of course it doesn’t have to take place while you’re actually in bed with someone: often, the best dirty talk happens hours or days beforehand, on the phone, or over email, or whispered into your partner’s ear in a crowded bar…

13. Trying to strip, while sober and in silence. Oh, you don’t get an erection from me battling with my jumpsuit?

HER: Put some music on. Talk. Tell him/her what you want them to do to you when you’re naked. It doesn’t have to be an awkward silent affair. Plus this one makes me think that she isn’t a fan of sober sex – bit worrying. My view is that my body is fucking epic and if you’re invited to attend, you better bloody enjoy it. Maybe ask for help stripping? Make it sexy rather than this clinical image you’ve managed to conjure up of you silently removing your clothes, full of foreboding about future wet patches and come faces..

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14. Orgasm faces. They’re probably quite similar to the face of someone who’s just been shot. Probably.

HIM: Even if you ignore the crude, clumsy attempt at humour, this is errant nonsense. Don’t like your own orgasm face? That’s fine: it sort of falls into the same category as listening to your voice on audio recordings, or watching yourself on video, and plenty of us inwardly shudder at those. However, in terms of sexiness there’s not much in life that beats giving your partner a toe-curling, leg-trembling, face-scrunching orgasm, and everything about that – the noises they make, the way they grip your hand/cock/fingers/hair/etc, and yes, the sight of them completely undone by the pleasure of being with you – is a world of Yes.

15. Pubes. They’re scratchy and wirey. They get in your mouth. They need grooming. They’re just a sex hazard aren’t they?

HER: As someone who prefers the fur-free look downstairs, I can’t say much about pubes. I think oral feels much nicer when I am bare but on him? I can’t say I’ve ever really thought of them as a ‘hazard’ tbh.. I’m worried now about the kind of sexual partners she’s had, with their angry pubes.. Ask them to trim if you want.

16. The sweat. The sweat that makes your perfectly placed fringe stick to your forehead like a greasy pre-teen, and your make-up melt down your face until you look like a serial killer. Cute.

HIM:The sweat! Fucking hell, yes, the sweat. Even as someone who would rather be too cold than too hot, I absolutely love rolling off my partner’s body after a hard, fast, breathless fuck, and dissolving into a puddle of my own perspiration. It is a physical marker of time well-spent, and also contains all those lovely pheromones that get us so worked-up about each other. Sweat is unsexy on the Tube, or in a cramped office environment, but in bed, it makes me want to lick all the salty, tangy goodness off someone’s skin, and go at it all over again.

17. Dryness. Trying to approach foreplay with the excitement levels of the Sahara Desert. It sorta hurts.

HER: Lube is your friend. Use lots. I love lube, it’s a gift from God. Makes everything feel amazing. Also, spend more time on foreplay to get you going – don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and to expect pleasure.

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18. Doggy style. Just, doggy style. What horrible person invented this?

HIM: Oh boy. Where to start? Ok, here’s a list of all the people in the world who dislike doggy-style:

1. Hannah Gale
2. I dunno, maybe the Pope

Trust me, that’s exhaustive: I’ve done the research. Look, I’m all for saying that different people like different things, and I’m trying to make this as non-judgey as possible, but unless there’s a specific physical reason why doggy doesn’t work for you (maybe your boyfriend’s cock is stupendously large?), this is a tough one to get my head around. Doggy has something for everyone, whether you’re M/F, M/M, F/F, or some other wonderful combination of body parts. We’re kind of built to enjoy it, in fact. Hannah, I gotta say, I’m really struggling with this one…

19. The crippling jaw ache that comes with too much blowing. Imagine if you put that much energy into the gym, eh?

HER: Mix it up babe, use your hands to ease the jaw lock.

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20. Willies and vaginas in general. No, really, think about this one. Are they not just the ugliest things on your entire body? Why couldn’t they just look more like your arm or something?

HIM: Willies are ugly. Vaginas suck. Sweat is icky. Cum is slimy. Pubes get stuck in your teeth. In fact, when we fuck we should probably just wrap ourselves in giant, full-body condoms, put a sheet between our bodies, and close our eyes so we don’t have to look at each other’s orgasm face. Right? Wrong. Hannah Gale asked us to ‘think about this one’, and believe me, I’ve thought about it. I’ve also thought about all the fucking beautiful cunts I’ve had the pleasure to get up close and personal with over the years, and I’ve thought about my own cock, and how I’ll be damned if I let some sex-phobic, body-hating excuse for a blogger tell me it’s ugly. Fuck you, Hannah Gale, and fuck you, Metro editors, for publishing this piece of shit.

21. And finally, rolling into a wet patch you had no idea was still there.

HER: Keep tissues by the bed to sort this out, or just go with it. It’s not like you are having a bath in come, is it? It’s just a bit damp and it feels kind of naughty to be revelling in it.

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Em; To me, these points all stem from unrealistic expectations we have about sex and how it ‘should’ be. My first thought was how boring and tragic Gale’s sex life must be if she is so anti all the things that make sex messy, fun and enjoyable. I love the idea of breaking down those barriers that exist around sex and opening up about what we like/dislike but this just reeks of insecurity and body loathing. She thinks vaginas are ugly; hates come; thinks orgasm faces are comparable to murder victims and is too afraid to say she has cramp or fanny fart. It doesn’t sound like she is enjoying sex at all so I would recommend Hannah stays in with a bottle of wine, some literotica and her hand for a bit and figures out what pleases her and what she wants in a bed buddy.

 

What do you think?

@anygirlfriday

EA_unadorned 

 

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I had almost decided not to write about the ~ Magaluf scandal; you all know my thoughts on slut shaming and how female sexuality is treated by the media by now (fuck that bullshit and very badly by way of a quick recap) but it is still getting to me. Then Nicole Scherzinger; pussycat doll, hotter than your girlfriend and ex X Factor judge got involved and said the following;

“I think it’s degrading, it’s sad, it’s disgusting and it’s why guys be talking about ‘b*****s and h*s’ and all these things. I cannot stand any of that,” Okay. So far, so terrible. She carried on with these kind words; “Child, you better get on your knees and pray — after you disinfect your mouth. You better find God and ask for forgiveness.”

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Society teaches us to view other women as threats, as competition. Girl on girl hate kills me; I know that not everyone will love each other, not everyone can be best friends but women have it hard enough without being attacked by each other. In a world where we are STILL paid less, where a cabinet reshuffle to include less than a handful of women is considered progress and a triumph for feminism and where what we wear is still more important than what we do, we need to have each other’s backs. Internalised misogyny – where women internalise the sexist, body policing and shaming views of patriarchal society leads to situations where stars like Nicole publicly pull apart a young girl and deem her actions to be unsuitable and ‘disgusting’ because they don’t conform to the ‘good girls do’ checklist we are fed by a society that wants to control female sexuality.

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Female sexuality is so tightly wound up with ideas about femininity and what constitutes a ‘good woman.’ Never mind the fact that from day one, girls are taught that their value lies in their fuckability and appearance. Ignoring the notion that from birth, we channel girls into accepting a system that defines them in terms of their status to others; wives, mothers etc, above their achievements. Forget that saying no to sex or sex games like the Magaluf drinking competition is a sure fire way to being termed ‘frigid’ or ‘the ice queen.’ The comments I read in the aftermath of the Magaluf drama were horrifying – guys and girls falling over themselves to pass judgement, to throw around terms like ‘slut,’ ‘skank,’ ‘desperate’ and ‘disease riddled whore’ were common. You know what was interesting though? No one said anything about the guys. 24 guys were happy to pull out their flaccid, low value dicks and shove them in the mouth of a stranger and yet no one batted an eyelid. That’s cool. That right there sums up my anger; the double standards we use to beat women up with. The girl is a ‘slut’ but the guys get off without so much as a question of their role in it all? Awesome. We expect guys to be sexual, it’s ‘supposed’ to be that way, whereas girls are taught from before they can stand that their virginity is a tangible thing that defines them.

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What this did was bring about so many questions about female sexuality and the way in which it is acknowledged by the media/society; questions about consent – did she know she was sucking dicks for a drink or are the rumours true about her being promised a sun and sand type affair? Does the fact that clubs and bars in Magaluf or any holiday destination of choice for the wannabe stars of Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents peddle drinking competitions, pressurised binge drinking events and sexual games at every opportunity need to be challenged? What about the fact that she was recorded? To say she was co-erced or pressured into it denies her agency and bodily autonomy and suggests she should feel ashamed or guilty for her actions which I don’t think is fair but what IS apparent is that someone filmed her without her consent and posted it online for the world to pore over and pass comment. Why are we still subjecting women and men to different standards of morality and acceptable sexual behaviour?

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I hate slut shaming – firstly because no one has the right to say that someone else’s consensual, informed choices are ‘wrong’ and secondly because it is a sexist concept that seems to only apply to women. Men are ‘lads’ ‘legends’ and ‘heroes’ whilst women are ‘sluts,’ ‘whores’ and ‘skanks’ for the EXACT SAME BEHAVIOUR. Literally consider that; apply that logic to a different scenario and see it for how insane it is. It is ludicrous that we have such differing views of acceptable sexual behaviour depending on gender. Challenge it, fight against it. When you read about the ‘Magaluf girl’ get angry about the fact that reporting on it is so biased.

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bsex4

In a society where sex sells and you’re as likely to find porn in someone’s internet history as frantic 4am searches for a Dominos still open, you’d be forgiven for thinking that we were all having hot sex, all the time. According to my extensive research however, (alright, whatsapp conversations, twitter lurking and every magazine article about shagging ever) our sex lives can definitely be improved.

bsex2It really pisses me off that magazines aimed at women are often focused on pleasing men and around the primacy of HIS orgasm and HIS pleasure. When the sex tips doled out do concern themselves with how to maximise female pleasure, they seem banal and generic and heavily rooted in the heteronormative assumption that the sex people are having is girl on guy. ‘Go on top’ seems to be the default tip of choice as if that is the only way we’ve got of ensuring orgasmic success. It’s frustrating.

Recently, a twitter chat with Charlie from a Sex Blog of Sorts got me thinking about the sex tips I would want to read about. None of this;

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Just actual things I care about. Not that whipping out the cutlery during foreplay doesn’t sound awesome but, you know. I’d prefer sex tips that don’t need a trip to Ikea to carry out. I decided to write down the things I wish men knew when they got me naked and horizontal.

1. Wet, wet, wet. Nothing is worse than a guy thinking that a quick nipple flick and some half hearted neck nuzzling is enough to get the engine running. It’s not. Sure, in porn all a guy has to do is leer suggestively in her direction and she’s ready for a gang bang but in real life? Not so much. Guys who rush straight in, fingers flexed, like horny 14 year olds reaching second base for the first time, need to know that we probably wont appreciate the friction burns that come free with your finger fumbling. Lube it up, suck your fingers first or get her to suck them before you start exploring. It feels so much better. Literally; lube is everything.

2. A WOMAN IS MORE THAN JUST HER BOOBS. Sure, it feels awesome when you treat them to some time but other parts exist bro; don’t ignore her shoulders, collar bones, back, her inner thighs, her neck and stomach. Also, that area above the knicker line feels incredible when lightly kissed or if you run your fingertips across it. Watch her reactions, gauge interest levels. If she looks bored, move on. When you do go for some boob action, don’t just focus on the nipples. I know they are a safe bet and it seems easy to just set up camp there and be done with it but branch out a bit, yeah? Cup them, kiss around the nipple. She might like it when you lightly squeeze but ask first on that one as she might also drop kick you in the crotch.

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3. Kissing – this is my number one bugbear. As teens, snogging for hours was the hobby of choice but as we’ve gotten older it seems to have fallen by the wayside. Now that ACTUAL SEX is on the cards, loads of guys I know seem to think that kissing is vanilla and not worth the bother. A bit of kissing at the start is the most you can expect. Nothing is hotter than kissing combined with some heavy petting though so don’t rush past this step. Kiss her lots! I love my bottom lip being sucked or bitten but some of my friends would head butt a guy if he went all Cullen on her lips so practice lots and see what you both like in a lip lock.

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4. TEASE. Good foreplay and build up will do wonders for the get her wet situation. This includes oral, clit play, kissing, exploring each other’s bodies and spending the time it takes for her to be turned on. Don’t think that a blow job is a given but you don’t need to repay the favour; you do. Asking my friends what their favourite thing to do in bed is and the overwhelming response is ‘a guy going down on me’  so learn from that and head south.

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5. Don’t buy into the media bullshit about women and sex. Our orgasm isn’t an elusive holy grail that is only possible on the third Tuesday of a leap year, so don’t believe for a second that leaving her hanging is acceptable. A women is entitled to sexual pleasure, to enjoy sex and to do what she wants in the bedroom without being judged or being held accountable to society’s warped standards of femininity. This is crucial I think; for so long women have been fed conflicting messages about their sexuality. Be sexy but not too much. Only bad girls give head. Sex is more about him than her and it’s all bullshit. Women enjoy sex. We are allowed to want sex; to feel sexy; to initiate and dominate if we choose. Don’t contribute to a society that ‘slut shames’ and judges women for the sexual choices they make.

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6. Find out what you like; explore your own body and find what it takes to get you off. This will make you so much more confident asking for what you want/need in bed. It’s hard to explain what makes you come if you don’t know how to get yourself there so spend some alone time getting to know yourself. That’s right – I’m suggesting you touch yourself in your ‘dangerous sin zones!’

sinWhat do you think? What are your top tips to doing it right? Leave me a comment or catch me on twitter

@anygirlfriday

You can read more sex tips on Charlie’s blog so go check it out

 

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