‘Love your body,’ ‘say goodbye to your body hang ups’ and ’96 ways to love your naked self’ are screaming out from this months Cosmo. Don’t be fooled though – this magazine is only for the masochistic or those who want to laugh at the one dimensional, narrow minded view of beauty the Cosmo crew are promoting.

I don’t think I have enough swear words in my vocabulary to sum up how angry this magazine has made me this month. I had only flicked through it until today where I sat down and wasted an hour of my life reading the laughable excuses for body confidence articles and ‘tips and tricks’ they suggest – mainly; lose weight, be thinner, be better than you are. Fuck right off.

Their body confidence articles include a section on women complaining about their body hang ups – no diversity here loves – we have the thin thin one, the thin one with big boobs and the thin one who is very tall. Great. We then have an article about how ‘ we got our amazing bodies!!’ – cue three more thin women explaining the virtues of fitting in a work out every day ( and kissing your social life goodbye at the same time I imagine)and how proud they are of their magazine media friendly figures. We then go on to some commandments. Yippee! These include ‘ keeping a food diary = good!’ ‘ watching the biggest loser may make you feel slimmer but that doesn’t mean you can devour a whole tub of phish food while you view it’ and ‘ take the stairs,’ ‘cut your food into tiny pieces’ and how fucking marvellous Jaffa Cakes are because they are only 48 calories guys!! Tuck in!

My favourite though, in amongst all those laughably disguised attempts at slamming any body type that isn’t sample size sexy shit is the article about vanity sizing; How stores are making their clothes bigger to fuel and fool our egos into thinking we are smaller than we are. This is super bad because we are at risk of diabetes and dying and that shiz but further more the problem is that we are getting fatter and uglier and need to STOP IMMEDIATELY. Wearing a size 10 doesn’t make you a size 10 apparently and its all about getting friendly with a tape measure because obviously nothing is as important as being thin; fuck qualifications, owning a house, a great circle of friends, a successful career, children, whatevs – being a size 10 is where it’s at and if we are not we are FAILURES.

I shouldn’t slam Cosmo too much. They have been thoughtful and thrown in some lovely sexist crap about men whilst tearing women up and down the country apart with their pseudo ‘ we care’ bollocks attitude – Did you know men are thinking about breasts this month? Wonderful. Also Chris Evans  admits, ‘ I’m a guy – I make mistakes all the time.’ Hahaha, stereotypes are hilarious. Men are buffoons. They only like DDs and burgers. Ha fucking ha. Not enough? Well I have also learned that I should be investing in sexy lingerie to keep my man happy and not wearing a onesie in front of the telly because really girls, keeping your man knee deep in blow jobs and cheap red lace is feminism friendly nowadays right? We also have a wonderful article slamming the ‘macho sexual’ man – we complain about men who aren’t sensitive enough and who forget our birthdays and now we are complaining about men who are too sensitive. Men who tell us they love us and who ‘carry our shopping’ whilst being a ‘gym addict’ are rubbish apparently.

I am so irrationally angry. I hate magazines like this who pretend to be your best friend whilst subtly sagging you off behind your back. Why can’t the ‘ we love our bodies’ section have a size 14 woman extolling the virtues of rocking a fifties style dress or have a larger lady praising her body for once? Why are we stuck with these cardboard cut out figures of femininity who look fuck all like the women I see in the street? I don’t mind reading about a size 8 girl who is proud of her body but I’d like to see it alongside a size 16 girl getting a chance to sing from the same song sheet. It is fucking ridiculous that in an issue dedicated to ‘body loving’ we only see one type of body being wheeled out page after page.

‘love your body’ – fucking let me. As my lovely friend Amy has said – all the articles in here are geared towards making you feel negative about your body. Probably so you keep on buying the magazine in the vain hope that one day it will ‘fix you’ and you will be ‘enough.’ You wont be – they survive by keeping us in a constant cycle of self loathing and despair so we turn to them and their bevvy of false needs and photoshopped advertising to make us feel better. They should be making all women feel good about themselves, whatever their size and shape not slamming anyone who doesn’t fit into their warped, distorted view of photo ready.

 

 

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