Guess who’s back, back again? Sorry for the hiatus in between these posts but we have an inbox full of questions and time on our side now so we are here for you. This week, Mungle and I are tackling kissing, (side note, *someone* practised snogging on her own hand for this question..) talking dirty and member size. Let’s go!
The guy I’m seeing is amazing and we waited a while before sleeping together because he said he wanted to make sure our feelings were serious as he doesn’t like casual sex. I was fine and happy with that and we kissed so it was fine. Anyway we finally did it and I’m gutted. He is so small. Really small. I don’t want an anaconda and have never cared at all before but he is tiny and I don’t know how to work with it. I don’t want to end things but it’s tough because I can’t feel him and he doesn’t seem open to trying different positions or anything. What do you think I should do?
Mungle: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – sex is about compromise. Male bits and bobs come in all shapes and sizes (as do our girl bits!) and neither sex is created one-to-fit-all. Whilst it’s a shame that you’re finding him small, or he’s finding you big, it is not unsolvable. The way to work with what you both have been given is by experimenting and – as you’ve already guessed – trying different positions. For example: doggy style (such as him standing behind you as you kneel on a bed) would allow him to fully insert himself, using your legs as leverage to get right inside you, or perhaps use lube designed to add sensations to the clit, making you more sensitive to the touch. I’m wondering if he is currently reluctant to try different positions because he doesn’t understand why you’re asking to, especially if you have only just started sleeping together. I’m not suggesting you be blunt with him about his penis size, but perhaps explain that you think you’ll get more pleasure another way. After all, if he doesn’t want to help you to gain the most amount of pleasure possible then something is very wrong in the relationship. However, if he prefers the way you are doing it now then that’s where the compromise bit comes in; try and incorporate both of your favorite positions each time you have sex, so both of you enjoy it to the max. Sure, sometimes there’s not enough time for more then one position, so maybe not every sex session will end in a screaming orgasm for both of you. Yet by allowing one of you to fully enjoy themselves the other partner should finish with a huge sense of satisfaction; for knowing that you have loved someone physically and emotionally enough to make them reach the point of orgasm is the most incredible feeling in the world. Don’t give up, work together on this one and I promise, with a little compromise, your sex life will become just as amazing as you imagined.
Em: Oh, this is a good question! I am a BIG fan of dirty talk – nothing gets me in the mood faster than a guy standing behind me, whispering in my ear all the things he wants to do to me or when in bed, he tells me what he’s enjoying or asks what I want. I think that talking dirty is massively under rated; so many people focus on the physical and forget how powerful words can be, PLUS something I love about it is that you can use it as a way of making sure you get what you want in bed. If you want more clit fun, you can whisper ‘I love it when you rub my clit with your finger like this’ and show him. Or you can say ‘it feels so good when you bite my nipple.’ This is like a sexy how to guide for him which has the added bonus of turning him on and making sure you get yours in bed. What’s not to love? I get that it can be intimidating though; do you go straight in with a ‘your dick is so hard’ or is a simple moan and a ‘oh yeah’ enough? It’s about finding what you like and trying new things. Try saying things like ‘do you like it when I do this?’ ‘Does this feel good?’ as a way of building up. You know each other so that eliminates any scary boundary issues; a friend of mine was in bed with a guy she met that night and he started calling her ‘his fucking whore’ which is totally cool if you are both down with it but as she had only just taken her bra off, she was a bit shocked.
You can always start via text/whatsapp whilst you are both at work to get things going – ‘what would you do to me right now’ ‘I wish you were biting my ear/pulling me against you so I can feel how hard you are/fucking me over the bed’ etc. This gets you both in the mood and makes it easier when you are together as you’ve already said the words ‘fuck’ ‘harder’ ‘do that’ to each other. I find that a simple ‘I’m coming’ is pretty hot as well; nothing makes you feel sexier and more powerful than knowing you’ve made someone come so that’s a good phrase to whisper in his ear. If you suck his ear lobe as well, you’ll probably make him come at the same time. Tell him he tastes good, tell him you love how good he feels inside you; Don’t feel that you need to porn star it out and use vocabulary that would make Madonna blush – just go with what feels natural and tell him what you want/like. Have fun!
Mungle: Don’t panic! Kissing rarely comes naturally to anyone, he only way that you can learn is by doing more of it! I suggest that you forget about the tongue at first, as that just adds to the pressure of being a good kisser and can make you panic more. Just concentrate on ‘normal’ kissing, lips on lips. First, relax! This is so so so important, a bad kiss (in my opinion) usually happens because one or both of you are nervous and so tend to just pucker the lips and dart forward, normally resulting in nose bumps and awkwardness. Keep eye contact, wet your lips slightly with your tongue, and press them together to blot away excess moisture. Not only does this make your lips soft and supple, it also gives them the sign that you are about to kiss them, so no-one is taken unawares. Then slowly purse the lips slightly (not as far as you would for a facebook selfie) as you lean in to meet their lips. Gently and slowly increase the pressure agaisnt their lips for a few seconds then pull away. Hopefully they will have done something similar and you’ll have experienced the perfect non-tongue kiss.
With tongue it gets trickier, I’d advise doing everything above first rather then approach their lips with your tongue already out (this has happened to me and meant I got more of a chin lick then a kiss, not romantic at all). At the stage where your lips are gently pressed together start to open your mouth slightly, taking their lips with yours – this will happen naturally – until there is a small gap, think wide enough to pass a malteaser between the mouths. This is where your tongue goes, again keep it slow, avoid behaving like a washing machine and whirling your tongue around – yup, also speaking from experience. I try to tease their tongue a bit, imagining the tongues are having a little dance, sometimes pulling their tongue into my mouth, other times pushing mine into theirs, keeping it surprising and only using light touches. You’ll find that your mouths will naturally open wider as you get more into it and you’re both enjoying each other; a little nibble and suck on the lips seems to always go down well too – thought don’t bite too hard!
Em: Right, my first reaction would be to kick him out of bed for being such a selfish arse but let’s call that plan b for now. Sex shouldn’t be pleasure at the expense of someone else’s so this is pretty fucking bullshit for you, I’m sorry love. I get that porn can be a real turn on; him getting off to it isn’t a radical idea but he needs to understand that sex needs to be about both of you. It could be that he feels like he ‘needs’ it now or that he associates sex with porn BUT that doesn’t mean you have to just accept it. Maybe it’s the sound he likes or the visual ascetics of watching other people have sex; there is something voyeuristic about it that might get him hard? What kind of porn is he watching? Some studies have suggested that porn can be used as a way of instant gratification and others have found that some people choose to watch porn instead of having sex (it’s less ‘work’, linked to individualisation of culture, purely a physical release as opposed to an emotional one etc.) I would tell him that you don’t like it; you are not a cow and are absolutely, definitely entitled to pleasure and to enjoy sex. If this isn’t your thing, you don’t have to go along with it. If he sulks, fine. Let him. Tell him that you want to have sex but the porn goes as it’s doing nothing for you. If he complains, make it clear that you aren’t a blow up doll that he can just lose himself in whilst watching lesbian twins enjoying a hot tub with their ski instructor. If you wanted to have Buffy playing in the background every time you had sex, I’m sure he’d soon pipe up so don’t ever feel bad for expressing your views – it’s your sex life, your body after all babe and you have the right to decide what to do with it. If you want any more advice or to talk, feel free to email me xxx
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