In a society where sex sells and you’re as likely to find porn in someone’s internet history as frantic 4am searches for a Dominos still open, you’d be forgiven for thinking that we were all having hot sex, all the time. According to my extensive research however, (alright, whatsapp conversations, twitter lurking and every magazine article about shagging ever) our sex lives can definitely be improved.
It really pisses me off that magazines aimed at women are often focused on pleasing men and around the primacy of HIS orgasm and HIS pleasure. When the sex tips doled out do concern themselves with how to maximise female pleasure, they seem banal and generic and heavily rooted in the heteronormative assumption that the sex people are having is girl on guy. ‘Go on top’ seems to be the default tip of choice as if that is the only way we’ve got of ensuring orgasmic success. It’s frustrating.
Recently, a twitter chat with Charlie from a Sex Blog of Sorts got me thinking about the sex tips I would want to read about. None of this;
Just actual things I care about. Not that whipping out the cutlery during foreplay doesn’t sound awesome but, you know. I’d prefer sex tips that don’t need a trip to Ikea to carry out. I decided to write down the things I wish men knew when they got me naked and horizontal.
1. Wet, wet, wet. Nothing is worse than a guy thinking that a quick nipple flick and some half hearted neck nuzzling is enough to get the engine running. It’s not. Sure, in porn all a guy has to do is leer suggestively in her direction and she’s ready for a gang bang but in real life? Not so much. Guys who rush straight in, fingers flexed, like horny 14 year olds reaching second base for the first time, need to know that we probably wont appreciate the friction burns that come free with your finger fumbling. Lube it up, suck your fingers first or get her to suck them before you start exploring. It feels so much better. Literally; lube is everything.
2. A WOMAN IS MORE THAN JUST HER BOOBS. Sure, it feels awesome when you treat them to some time but other parts exist bro; don’t ignore her shoulders, collar bones, back, her inner thighs, her neck and stomach. Also, that area above the knicker line feels incredible when lightly kissed or if you run your fingertips across it. Watch her reactions, gauge interest levels. If she looks bored, move on. When you do go for some boob action, don’t just focus on the nipples. I know they are a safe bet and it seems easy to just set up camp there and be done with it but branch out a bit, yeah? Cup them, kiss around the nipple. She might like it when you lightly squeeze but ask first on that one as she might also drop kick you in the crotch.
3. Kissing – this is my number one bugbear. As teens, snogging for hours was the hobby of choice but as we’ve gotten older it seems to have fallen by the wayside. Now that ACTUAL SEX is on the cards, loads of guys I know seem to think that kissing is vanilla and not worth the bother. A bit of kissing at the start is the most you can expect. Nothing is hotter than kissing combined with some heavy petting though so don’t rush past this step. Kiss her lots! I love my bottom lip being sucked or bitten but some of my friends would head butt a guy if he went all Cullen on her lips so practice lots and see what you both like in a lip lock.
4. TEASE. Good foreplay and build up will do wonders for the get her wet situation. This includes oral, clit play, kissing, exploring each other’s bodies and spending the time it takes for her to be turned on. Don’t think that a blow job is a given but you don’t need to repay the favour; you do. Asking my friends what their favourite thing to do in bed is and the overwhelming response is ‘a guy going down on me’ so learn from that and head south.
5. Don’t buy into the media bullshit about women and sex. Our orgasm isn’t an elusive holy grail that is only possible on the third Tuesday of a leap year, so don’t believe for a second that leaving her hanging is acceptable. A women is entitled to sexual pleasure, to enjoy sex and to do what she wants in the bedroom without being judged or being held accountable to society’s warped standards of femininity. This is crucial I think; for so long women have been fed conflicting messages about their sexuality. Be sexy but not too much. Only bad girls give head. Sex is more about him than her and it’s all bullshit. Women enjoy sex. We are allowed to want sex; to feel sexy; to initiate and dominate if we choose. Don’t contribute to a society that ‘slut shames’ and judges women for the sexual choices they make.
6. Find out what you like; explore your own body and find what it takes to get you off. This will make you so much more confident asking for what you want/need in bed. It’s hard to explain what makes you come if you don’t know how to get yourself there so spend some alone time getting to know yourself. That’s right – I’m suggesting you touch yourself in your ‘dangerous sin zones!’
You can read more sex tips on Charlie’s blog so go check it out