deidre

Guess who’s back, back again? Sorry for the hiatus in between these posts but we have an inbox full of questions and time on our side now so we are here for you. This week, Mungle and I are tackling kissing, (side note, *someone* practised snogging on her own hand for this question..) talking dirty and member size. Let’s go!

 

Hey ladies
The guy I’m seeing is amazing and we waited a while before sleeping together because he said he wanted to make sure our feelings were serious as he doesn’t like casual sex. I was fine and happy with that and we kissed so it was fine. Anyway we finally did it and I’m gutted. He is so small. Really small. I don’t want an anaconda and have never cared at all before but he is tiny and I don’t know how to work with it. I don’t want to end things but it’s tough because I can’t feel him and he doesn’t seem open to trying different positions or anything. What do you think I should do?

Mungle: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – sex is about compromise. Male bits and bobs come in all shapes and sizes (as do our girl bits!) and neither sex is created one-to-fit-all. Whilst it’s a shame that you’re finding him small, or he’s finding you big, it is not unsolvable. The way to work with what you both have been given is by experimenting and – as you’ve already guessed – trying different positions. For example: doggy style (such as him standing behind you as you kneel on a bed) would allow him to fully insert himself, using your legs as leverage to get right inside you, or perhaps use lube designed to add sensations to the clit, making you more sensitive to the touch. I’m wondering if he is currently reluctant to try different positions because he doesn’t understand why you’re asking to, especially if you have only just started sleeping together. I’m not suggesting you be blunt with him about his penis size, but perhaps explain that you think you’ll get more pleasure another way. After all, if he doesn’t want to help you to gain the most amount of pleasure possible then something is very wrong in the relationship. However, if he prefers the way you are doing it now then that’s where the compromise bit comes in; try and incorporate both of your favorite positions each time you have sex, so both of you enjoy it to the max. Sure, sometimes there’s not enough time for more then one position, so maybe not every sex session will end in a screaming orgasm for both of you. Yet by allowing one of you to fully enjoy themselves the other partner should finish with a huge sense of satisfaction; for knowing that you have loved someone physically and emotionally enough to make them reach the point of orgasm is the most incredible feeling in the world. Don’t give up, work together on this one and I promise, with a little compromise, your sex life will become just as amazing as you imagined.

Alright, this is probably stupid but I don’t know how to talk dirty. My partner wants me to try it and says it would really turn him on but I just feel like an idiot and have no idea what to say. I CAN’T say pussy so don’t suggest that please!

Em: Oh, this is a good question! I am a BIG fan of dirty talk – nothing gets me in the mood faster than a guy standing behind me, whispering in my ear all the things he wants to do to me or when in bed, he tells me what he’s enjoying or asks what I want. I think that talking dirty is massively under rated; so many people focus on the physical and forget how powerful words can be, PLUS something I love about it is that you can use it as a way of making sure you get what you want in bed. If you want more clit fun, you can whisper ‘I love it when you rub my clit with your finger like this’ and show him. Or you can say ‘it feels so good when you bite my nipple.’ This is like a sexy how to guide for him which has the added bonus of turning him on and making sure you get yours in bed. What’s not to love? I get that it can be intimidating though; do you go straight in with a ‘your dick is so hard’ or is a simple moan and a ‘oh yeah’ enough? It’s about finding what you like and trying new things. Try saying things like ‘do you like it when I do this?’ ‘Does this feel good?’ as a way of building up. You know each other so that eliminates any scary boundary issues; a friend of mine was in bed with a guy she met that night and he started calling her ‘his fucking whore’ which is totally cool if you are both down with it but as she had only just taken her bra off, she was a bit shocked.
You can always start via text/whatsapp whilst you are both at work to get things going – ‘what would you do to me right now’ ‘I wish you were biting my ear/pulling me against you so I can feel how hard you are/fucking me over the bed’ etc. This gets you both in the mood and makes it easier when you are together as you’ve already said the words ‘fuck’ ‘harder’ ‘do that’ to each other. I find that a simple ‘I’m coming’ is pretty hot as well; nothing makes you feel sexier and more powerful than knowing you’ve made someone come so that’s a good phrase to whisper in his ear. If you suck his ear lobe as well, you’ll probably make him come at the same time. Tell him he tastes good, tell him you love how good he feels inside you; Don’t feel that you need to porn star it out and use vocabulary that would make Madonna blush – just go with what feels natural and tell him what you want/like. Have fun!

I need kissing advice! I think I’m crap at it. I don’t know what to do with my tongue and just move my lips about but it feels weird and I want to be able to kiss properly!

Mungle: Don’t panic! Kissing rarely comes naturally to anyone, he only way that you can learn is by doing more of it! I suggest that you forget about the tongue at first, as that just adds to the pressure of being a good kisser and can make you panic more. Just concentrate on ‘normal’ kissing, lips on lips. First, relax! This is so so so important, a bad kiss (in my opinion) usually happens because one or both of you are nervous and so tend to just pucker the lips and dart forward, normally resulting in nose bumps and awkwardness. Keep eye contact, wet your lips slightly with your tongue, and press them together to blot away excess moisture. Not only does this make your lips soft and supple, it also gives them the sign that you are about to kiss them, so no-one is taken unawares. Then slowly purse the lips slightly (not as far as you would for a facebook selfie) as you lean in to meet their lips. Gently and slowly increase the pressure agaisnt their lips for a few seconds then pull away. Hopefully they will have done something similar and you’ll have experienced the perfect non-tongue kiss.

With tongue it gets trickier, I’d advise doing everything above first rather then approach their lips with your tongue already out (this has happened to me and meant I got more of a chin lick then a kiss, not romantic at all). At the stage where your lips are gently pressed together start to open your mouth slightly, taking their lips with yours – this will happen naturally – until there is a small gap, think wide enough to pass a malteaser between the mouths. This is where your tongue goes, again keep it slow, avoid behaving like a washing machine and whirling your tongue around – yup, also speaking from experience. I try to tease their tongue a bit, imagining the tongues are having a little dance, sometimes pulling their tongue into my mouth, other times pushing mine into theirs, keeping it surprising and only using light touches. You’ll find that your mouths will naturally open wider as you get more into it and you’re both enjoying each other; a little nibble and suck on the lips seems to always go down well too – thought don’t bite too hard!

I hate porn – I feel like shit watching it and disgusting but my boyfriend says he can’t come unless it’s on when we have sex. I don’t want to be a cow but it’s really ruining sex for me and it makes me not want to do it anymore. I have tried telling him but he says I don’t have to look at it!

Em: Right, my first reaction would be to kick him out of bed for being such a selfish arse but let’s call that plan b for now. Sex shouldn’t be pleasure at the expense of someone else’s so this is pretty fucking bullshit for you, I’m sorry love. I get that porn can be a real turn on; him getting off to it isn’t a radical idea but he needs to understand that sex needs to be about both of you. It could be that he feels like he ‘needs’ it now or that he associates sex with porn BUT that doesn’t mean you have to just accept it. Maybe it’s the sound he likes or the visual ascetics of watching other people have sex; there is something voyeuristic about it that might get him hard? What kind of porn is he watching? Some studies have suggested that porn can be used as a way of instant gratification and others have found that some people choose to watch porn instead of having sex (it’s less ‘work’, linked to individualisation of culture, purely a physical release as opposed to an emotional one etc.) I would tell him that you don’t like it; you are not a cow and are absolutely, definitely entitled to pleasure and to enjoy sex. If this isn’t your thing, you don’t have to go along with it. If he sulks, fine. Let him. Tell him that you want to have sex but the porn goes as it’s doing nothing for you. If he complains, make it clear that you aren’t a blow up doll that he can just lose himself in whilst watching lesbian twins enjoying a hot tub with their ski instructor. If you wanted to have Buffy playing in the background every time you had sex, I’m sure he’d soon pipe up so don’t ever feel bad for expressing your views – it’s your sex life, your body after all babe and you have the right to decide what to do with it. If you want any more advice or to talk, feel free to email me xxx

Get in touch if you have any questions! Tweet us; we both love twitter
@anygirlfriday
@mungle

email – em@anygirlfriday.com

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slove9

Confident women can be scary; society is heteronormative and relies on gender codes and internalised behaviour and expectations to keep us conforming to specific gender norms. When we stick to our ‘acceptable’ behaviour list, things are easy and society knows what to do with us; Men are taught to be the breadwinners; the protective, dominant sex for example; When a women doesn’t need that protection, when she is confident asserting herself and being an independent, autonomous being, it scares the men who have spent so long being told that they run the world.

slove4It can be hard to love yourself in a world that doesn’t want you to; every advert for make up suggests that your face isn’t good enough without it’s ‘brightening’  ‘illuminating’ power. We have ‘spanx’ to smooth out our awful, unacceptable lumps; life hacks on how to be ‘better,’ ‘funnier’ ‘sexier’ etc.. and magazines full of tips on how to ‘look’ or ‘be’ slimmer whilst bombarding you with images of models who all conform to a homogeneous, narrow representation of beauty. It can be so easy to fall into a self loathing trap, where you never think you are good enough as you are. Women are marginalised; our concerns and issues trivialised at every opportunity that it can sometimes feel like a relentless battle to ignore the voices in our heads that tell us that we are inferior.

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Something that worries me though is this idea that confident women are somehow in need of pulling down. Society calls them ‘bossy’ and ‘high maintenance’ in a bid to try and imply that their behaviour is not acceptable or feminine. Good girls don’t make noise or speak out when they are upset, OBVIOUSLY. To me, being called bossy and high maintenance makes me smile. I am.I just refuse to see that in a negative light; I expect respect, pleasure, support, attention. I’m not sorry about that at all. ‘You are such hard work’ – good. ‘You are so loud/expect too much/ so moody’ – all code for ‘you scare me because you know what you want and won’t settle for less than that.

slove5

We’ve all heard the comments directed at confident women; she’s’acting like a man,’ she is too competitive or aggressive. These traits, so lauded in masculinity result in outcry when presented by women. An assertive man is confident; an assertive woman is emotional. A competitive man is an asset; a competitive woman is unfeminine and a liability. I have had countless conversations with my friends about expected behaviours and why subverting and resisting them can be positive; taking charge of yourself, recognising your strengths and being confident enough to say ‘hey, I really dig myself today’ are not bad things. Yet it has almost been drilled into us to be self deprecating, to refute compliments and to reject praise for fear of coming across as ‘arrogant.’

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When someone says ‘you look cute today’ we almost instinctively reply with a negative comment; ‘oh, this is just an old dress,’ or ‘no, I look like shit!’ When something we do at work is positively acknowledged we feel duty bound to slip in some put down about how ‘it was nothing’ and ‘could be better to be honest.’ It’s as if we don’t believe that we are worthy of recognition for the amazing things we do which I think is BULLSHIT.

There is a big difference between being confident and being arrogant. Arrogance to me, implies a sense of entitlement, a superiority complex that is rooted in a idea that you are somehow better than those around you. Not here for that. At all. But knowing that you are super adorable, amazing and worthy of every good thing that happens to you – and strong enough to deal with every set back as well – that is confidence. Confidence comes from never giving in to those negative voices in your head/on twitter/ in every issue of Cosmo. It means never apologising for the way you feel – if you are angry, sad, overjoyed, turned on beyond all help at the thought of Kit Harrington naked and tied to your bed – GOOD. You are allowed to have feelings and should never feel obligated to throw on a mask to cover these up, lest society deems you ‘an emotional woman’ or laughs and says you must ‘be on your period’ because you feel justified in tackling sexism or inequalities or saying ‘fuck off’ when someone is rude.

slove2I am confident. I think a lot of it comes from surrounding myself with positive people who build me up and tell me that they love me all the time. If my friends are feeling down, I make it my business to cheer them up and vice versa. Confidence isn’t about being happy and dancing about in your underwear every minute of the day – instead, it’s more to do with knowing that you might feel sad sometimes but that you can deal with it because you are tough and strong and brave. It is knowing that there is so much more to you than just being beautiful but still believing that you are a hot goddess who deserves someone to get that and love every inch of you. It isn’t easy to be confident all the time but it is important to try.

slove

I think this lyric really sums it up for me; society sells us so many conflicting messages about being a woman – quick, have kids before your ovaries dry up and go retire in Benidorm; catch a bloke and get married lest you end up like poor Jennifer Aniston; have a kickass job but give it up to have children because working mothers leads to juvenile delinquency and angry students obviously; be sexy but too sexual; go make up free to prove a point but make a bloody effort love, come on now; dress to impress but don’t try too hard. God, it’s EXHAUSTING and not worth the worry.

slove1

Confidence is about ignoring the bullshit that thinks it knows you better than you know yourself. Confidence is about doing what you want, being yourself and liking who that person is. It’s laughing at your own jokes because you know you are hilarious. It is checking yourself out in the mirror because your hair looks awesome. It is handing out compliments because you want the world to feel amazing, without expecting or needing any back because you don’t require validation from anyone. Confidence is doing you, exactly as you want to with no apologies or fear.

slove3

 

Yeah, it’s hard. And some people won’t like it – but they don’t have to. Loving yourself is the most important relationship you can have; be your own port in the storm, your own other half and your own number one fan.

 

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purity2

Virginity; A person who has never had sexual intercourse.’ Wait, what? That’s it? That is the whole definition of the concept on which we base our ideas of purity, virtue and ‘what good girls do’ on?  Awesome. Sigh.

‘Virginity’ is bullshit. The term is exclusive and symbolically annihilates any sex that isn’t heterosexual, dick in vagina style thus playing into the heteronormative, compulsory heterosexuality led society we are in, with its narrow depictions of sex and damaging shaming of women who refuse to conform to the white knight/innocent damsel in distress formula. It comes laden with misguided, fear inducing ideas that scare the shit out of young girls and suggests a homogeneous version of sex that is at once universally recognised, and marginalises any kind of sexual activity that deviates – It suggests that any sex other than penetrative is redundant; what are lesbians doing by this definition? Crochet?

The whole concept is just so flawed; it’s another way of monitoring and policing women’s bodies by enforcing an outdated notion of purity, rooted in a time where women were traded like carpet bags between fathers and potential suitors and that ‘untouched’ tag was a way of ensuring paternity in an age of no contraception. It is divisive and suggests that a woman’s character can somehow be defined by the notches (or lack of) on her bedpost. Plus, the majority of issues I have with the concept stems from it being inherently sexist.

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For men, being a virgin is a bad thing; laughable, made into a joke. Or a Steve Carrell movie. The message being transmitted is that being a guy, past a certain age and still a virgin is shameful. Lad = laid. Us female shapes though? Oh no, no. We are taught that our virginity is precious, special. That ‘losing’ is is like losing a piece of ourselves that we can’t get back. As if we are somehow inextricably different the moment we are ‘deflowered.’ So many terms exist to insist on this idea that for women, being a virgin is a big deal. That losing it is an even bigger deal. We are told to carefully consider our first time; that it will hurt; that we should be prepared to bleed; that we might not enjoy it; that we should try to feel relaxed etc. You know what would be more relaxing though? Not saying any of that crap. Not scaring girls into thinking that they are in for an apocalyptic hell-ride that will end up with their bed looking like the final scene in 300.

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Do we tell young boys to light some candles and buy new knickers? Do we tell young boys that they should ‘wait for Mrs Right’ before lying back and thinking of England? Nah, didn’t think so. So why is it ok for us to insist on virtue and a white dress for girls but excuse promiscuity in guys by saying ‘boys will be boys?’

 

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I think it is messed up that we place such value on something that isn’t tangible, quantifiable, measurable. That we define women – because it is women who are most susceptible to the judgement and shaming –  in terms of their sexual experiences. Putting a value on them as if they were commodities, weighing up their morality and finding it lacking if they have been host to a penis before you.

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There are so many other things wrong with the idea of virginity. The assumption that there is a definitive way of gauging a person’s purity. ‘But hymen?’ I hear you say. This fantastic idea that all girls come nicely sealed, ready to be ‘popped’ by the right man. Surely that’s a super good way of telling if a woman is coming to your bed ‘untouched?’ Nope, not even close. Most hymens are broken way before sex because hello, periods? Most women host the Red Wedding way before they get horizontal so that useful indicator of chastity and virtue is fucked – unless we are counting a tampon as a girls first love? Some women don’t even have a hymen to ‘break’ and the majority will have said adiós to that insignificant, teeny tiny bit of membrane through horse riding, gymnastics, basically moving around or doing anything.  ‘But, tightness?’  LOL. The vagina is a muscle; it’s super good at stretching out and bouncing back so that pays bullshit to both the idea that it should hurt (as long as you are turned on and use lube, you should be good to go) and that the more men a woman sleeps with, the ‘looser’ she becomes (not even. Interestingly, you never hear this argument propositioned to other muscles? Like footballer players for instance; They run all about the place and by this magical logic, their legs should be loose and we should see Rooney falling flat on his face every time he tries to stand up.) Fact is, you can’t tell if a woman is a virgin, just like you can’t tell if she has slept with half of Hull.

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If anything highlights the Madonna/whore dichotomy perfectly, it is this. Reputational labelling in a handy image for us to carry around and laugh at when we feel sad. According to the fuckwits who made this, being a virgin is somehow an ‘excellent’ and preferable state to be in, and that having more than a handful of lovers on your list is somehow tantamount to you being a ‘dirty’ ‘slut.’ This sums up everything that I hate about the virginity myth and the way in which double standards are employed in society; there’s no male equivalent of this to say how many female partners are ‘satisfactory’ so are we to assume that it doesn’t matter when flipped on its head? That the number of partners a man has is all fine and dandy but that women need to be entering the relationship with no more than a cheeky snog at a house party to their name?

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We seem to have a system where the more partners a guy has to his name, the better but the opposite is true for women and it really pisses me off. It is so unjust, so unfair, such bullshit. If you want to stay a virgin, do it. It’s your body, your choice, your right to make that decision for yourself. But the same logic has to apply if you want to sleep with lots of people. Your body, your choice etc. Judging a woman on the number of sexual partners she has or expecting her to come to the marital bed with a chastity belt on, is hideously hypocritical when we have a system in which guys celebrate their bedroom skills and conquests. (see; any song written by a guy, ever. )

The whole notion of virginity is murky and makes me think of creepy Purity Balls; those Freudian wet dreams where daughters ‘marry’ their fathers and promise to save themselves for marriage; that’s the crux of it for me. It is a way of men enforcing control over our bodies; making us feel like damaged goods or somehow incomplete without a virginity sticker on our foreheads. It’s a way of policing girls and their sexuality. It makes me think that men are so scared of our sexuality that they have to come up with ways to make us feel guilty for it.

What do you think?

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